Shady Em

Eminem’s in the news again. It appears he will perform at the Feb. 21 Grammy Awards ceremony–with one of those he maligns. Tiara-wearing, tantrum-throwing superstar Elton John reportedly will share the stage with Marshall Mathers to perform the (chillingly terrific) hit single “Stan”; the former Reg Dwight will croon the Dido part of the song.

Good on Elton, I say. He doesn’t believe Eminem is hateful. In fact, the veteran–and very out–artist claims that he finds Slim Shady the most exciting young star around, so why should he avoid performing with the young rapper? And who knows what John might teach Eminem–and the rest of us–about tolerance, about reaching out to the other side, about building bridges?

At the same time, let’s not stop pegging Eminem’s message for what it is. A few months back, I wrote my own Slim Shady parody in the hopes it might get a somewhat different word to your mother and father and community; I share it with you now.

Disclaimer 1: I don’t claim to be a rapper. I live for rock and roll and Mahler.

Disclaimer 2: Right-wing friends, it’s satire. Chill.

Disclaimer 3: Mom, kids, surf to another page. NOW.


“The Proud Gay Posse”
Eminem parody by Natalie Davis (c) 05-04-2000

May we have your attention please?
May we have your attention please?
Will the proud gay posse please stand up?
I repeat, will the proud gay posse please stand up?
We’re gonna have a problem here
Y’all act like ya never seen a queer person before
Jaws all on the floor like Matt, like them bashers just burst in the door
And started whooping his ass worse than before
they left him on that fence. Didn’t ‘spect your words to cause that, didja? (Ahh!)

It’s the return of the…
“Ah, wait, no way, you’re kidding,
they just didn’t say what I think they did, did they?”
And Andrew Sullivan said…
Nothing you idiots! Sullivan’s dead, he’s locked in Mike Petrelis’ basement!

Amerikkan society loves queer people: “Them fags, I’m sick of them
Look at them, marching and flouncing like they’re so proud
Wanting to get married, yeah, but they’re good at parties”
Yeah, gays, bis and trannies got their own list of problems to reduce
But no worse than what’s going on in your churches’ back rooms
Sometimes, I wanna get on TV and just let loose, but can’t
But it’s cool for Jerry Falwell to spew his hate-juice
“Love the sinner, hate the sin. Love the sinner, hate the sin.”
Whatever, but how we love ain’t no sin.
And that’s the message the e message that we deliver to gay, bi, and het kids
We expect them not to know what homophobia is
Of course they do–they’re calling each other faggot
By the time they hit fourth grade
They learn their values from their parents, don’t they?
Some grow up to be the bar-crashers
And the goddamn gay bashers
Who cut other people open like cantaloupes.
But if you can make our love a crime and lie about us all the time
Then there’s no reason that a “man” named Eminem can’t crap out his rhyme.
But if you feel like I feel, I got the antidote
Queers, be mighty like the rose, sing the chorus and it goes

we’re the gay posse, yes we’re the gay posse
we got style and flair and cook like Emeril Lagasse
so won’t the proud gay posse please stand up,
please stand up, please stand up.
i said, we’re the gay posse, yes we’re the gay posse
we got style and flair and cook like Emeril Lagasse
so won’t the proud gay posse please stand up,
please stand up, please stand up.

Doctor Laura S. gotta talk down the gays to sell her TV show
And you approve? “Fuck her and fuck you too!”
You think I give a damn about her bullshit?
So-called family-values creeps can’t even stomach me let alone stand me
“But gays, what if they’re right? Will you go ex-gay?”
Why? So you guys can turn us into John Paulks
Yeah, so you can put us to work to spew your crap for you?
Shit John and us better switch chairs
So I can sit next to the radio and hear Laura’s rant
And hear her damn us while hiding her nasty nude pictures
You little bitch, put us on, we’ll give you truth:
“I am what I am–at least we didn’t have to be converted.”
I should spam out transcripts over the ‘Net and show the whole world
The truth Laura subverted.

We’re sick of you tired-ass homophobes
You want to just destroy us, so we’re standing up to annoy you
And there are millions of us much like you
Who pray just like you; who go to work and war and school just like you
Who might dress like you; walk, talk and act like you
And ’cause you don’t like how we love, then we’re not as good as you?
Oh no!

Repeat chorus

We’re like a head trip to listen to cuz I’m only giving you
Things you joke about with your ‘phobe friends in your living room
The only difference is I got the balls to say truth
In front of y’all and I don’t gotta be false or sugar coated at all.
You think you got authority because of your majority and your “superiority.”
But we know what oughtta be better than 90 percent of you bigots out there.
Don’t you wonder why our kids turn out just as well-adjusted as yours?
It’s funny, cuz at the rate the world’s going, when you’re cold and dead
Your kids will do the just thing, when they’re at the head
Of society and want to make up for the intolerant lives you’ve led.
And we’re certain that your way of thinking isn’t working.
‘Cause every single person knows a gay person lurking
He could be working at Burger King spittin’ on your onion rings
Or in the House or Senate, quietly voting, passing fair, just things
Like smashing DoMA and getting ENDA set up
So, come on, proud gay posse, please stand up!
And put one of those fingers on each hand up!
And be proud to be outta the norm and outta the closet
And one more time, loud as you can, how does it go?

Repeat chorus

Repeat chorus

Ha ha
Guess there’s a proud gay posse in all of us
Fuck it, let’s all stand up.

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